Faces Like Mine

Do tell me, please, I beg you... where is this substance that you once spoke of? Should I go deeper? Should I look somewhere else? It is so disappointing to try and find something you know none shall carry....

Why should I conceal it? Why should I abide? Is there any reason, good or bad, that would enable me to render another scream in trying to disguise the meaningless riddle that he has offered me? He left, I stayed. There isn't much to be added to this short drama. Only consequences...


"Think of your darkest nights, think of your soul alone... if you can bear the sight, think of the love you've never known..."

Just once more, let me see him just once more... it's all I ask... don't become air-like so soon--- can't you see that I still need you? Should I keep my promise? Is it what you want from me? I guess I could... maybe all of this is nothing but delaying the unavoidable... Is this all the comfort you can offer now? Is this it? I would have expected to find much more... I thought you would walk with me throughout the whole of my remaining years. And yet... I don't feel you any more... and this scares me... you are the only thing in this world that I find to be worth fighting for, the only thing that helps me believe, the only thing that I can consider pure and magical... Is this really it? Is this really the end? I can't help but think that I should just... jump. I wish I could master the strength to do so... jump--- into the nothingness... into the cold hard floor... destroying everything in seconds... only to find I'm complete once more.

Unwillingness

In the end, resignation and acceptance might hold the key to a happier life. I might just have to come to terms with the fact that I wasn't born gifted at any of the things I really love. I am beginning to believe I am absolutely ordinary- no special talents and no time left to foster any in the way they should have been culvitated in my early years.

A simple and peaciful life, though mediocre, deprived from anything extraordinary might be what I'll have to settle with: English seems to be the only thing I'm good at, therefore I might teach for a living., filling the empty spaces with small simple things that ordinary people somehow seem to get so much from, such as buying things, owning pets and maybe studying another language. I guess it's all I can do... I could take up knitting...

I'm not special... I'm just one more fish in these huge ocean of people who once wished but were not allowed to obtain. And the sooner I acquiesce the better...

Pure Morning

How sad it must be to know someone misses you due to the emptiness in their lives instead of whatever you might be...

Pretending to be asleep
In this ever clumsy fight
Away from the black sheep
I'll lead a steady flight


Leaving action for tomorrow
Neglecting bliss and sorrow


Ignorance as my shield
Oh so skeptical and leery
Who in my chest is sealed
That feels so heavy and weary?


Heaven and hell in panic run
Keeping away from everyone

On a Journey

In my weary quest for acceptance I have come to the bitter conclusion that I've been living a lie within a lie... a non-stop argument with the many sides of my personality which leaves me too tired to even try and distinguish which is the original one... How could I ever leave the comforting safety of a downfall?

This can't be it... I know there's more... much, much more, and it will all come from me or else I may see the unwanted end materialize.

Faces Like Mine

You say you're curious
Can't leave a thing to your imagination
I wish you'd close your eyes
But oh you seem so serious
I should enjoy the sweet interrogation
You start to hypnotize me
I should not be telling you
I'm flattered by your interest
Who am I talking to
Could be the demon with a mask
Why should I trust in you?
I don't feel safe
I never did
But what else can I do
But what you ask?


Think of your darkest night
Think of your soul alone
If you can bear the sight
Think of the love you've never known
Yes, it's unusual
To live your life this way
All I can say
Maybe that's why you don't see
Faces like mine every day


You'd like to stir it up
Just like a sad, forgot until remember
I didn't ask for this
But still you hold me in your gaze
And from my lips
The moments I have captured
Still I'm in reminiscencance
From a place you'll never know
I find the strength to tell you things I hardly ever show
My mirror holds your severed tongue
But in your amber eyes
I see the the questions never end
I never could disguise
So why pretend?


Think of your darkest night
Think of your soul alone
If you can bear the sight
Think of the love you've never known
Yes, it's unusual
To live your life this way
All I can say
Maybe that's why you don't see
Faces like mine every day


Who will forget me?
No one knows I've done wrong
Won't you believe me?
'Cause I won't last that long
No, I
I wanna be quiet now
All alone
Back to my shadow
I'm gonna hide behind
The trouble in my mind


You say you'll stay around
You've finally found the answer to my story
Congratulations, love
So go ahead, decipher me
And solve the puzzle if you need the glory
I wish I could be of your kind
I need to be alone
To tell you how much you don't know
It isn't what I've done
But rather what I hold inside
Even if I give up
I won't be victim to your game
You're only free when you have nothing left


Think of your darkest night
Think of your soul alone
If you can bear the sight
Think of the love you've never known
Yes, it's unusual
To live your life this way
All I can say
Maybe that's why you don't see
Faces like mine every day
Every day

Determination

What should I tell you?
Out of hatred you come and say
Whatever feelings you have at hand
You whisper inside but dare not
To alter a light, to honor our songs.

What should I tell you?
Gone so far, so out of reach
Into a past I dare not delete
Yet climb no ladder to hug and stare
At the one that loves you to no end.

What should I tell you?
The worst of all options
The deadliest of the poisons
Still the safest one to love
Even if chances left me all sore.

And what should I tell myself?
Forgetting to resist, I search for more
I hear my screams yet I crave for some
That would aid me in darkened times
And grants me treasures of my sound nights.


Will serve any form I could fit
Fading into suffocating mist...
Will accomodate readily fast
In any attempt to come last...
Will adore any part of myself
That shows resilence when I hate.

Swim in my Waters

I don't function the way normal girls do. In a sense, I'm more ethereal than them...it's just that I've always known that what you see is not real and what is real you won't see till you've learned enough in life so as to know its importance.

Within the entirety of my essence lies a deep ocean of incomprehensible wisdom and kindness that is too vast for you to tolerate. I manage to skip all the dirt that others desperately dwell on as if nothing else existed. And this is because I want to.

A life full of contrasting situations- I've had nothing and I've had it all... only a distant and sometimes recurrent fragrance remains of those days. A bright smile tattooed in my memory, a song which you wrote for us, an engagement broken by death and a hint of nostalgia which prints in everything I could possibly enjoy.

I have long stopped questioning, it is after all a futile thing. I have long stopped complaining, no one cares anyway. Resignation filled me as it was the only acceptable way to deal with this... with all of this... looking back I'm surprised how I'm still standing straight.

If I look back for too long, I might become snared by the distant memories... and I so wish to live on! Even when I know I might never smile the way I used to.

Memories

Oh the irony! Constantly trying to remember only to avoid it once achieved...

I've started to remember and I've found many things that were not necessarily blocked but were rather ignored... diminished and overlooked due to shame and fear of being overreacting or exaggerating... I'm ashamed but I must deal with this...

2004

It's so crazy to read at what I wrote about 8 years ago... it makes me really glad to know that most of this does not apply anymore.



I know that someday I'll smile and cry saying that I saved you from all the misery of my arms and the tragedy of my kisses, by accepting this that hurts me a lot.

Many things and thoughts have been waiting inside my head for too long. And even though I seem to say whatever I feel, I say nothing at all. I bet you I can be worse. I know I can be worse. This is our little sick game, and we'll be playing it until one of us cracks, and God knows what will happen then.

No hay con quien hablar, sólo a quien oir.
No hay quien te ame, sólo a quien amar.
No hay con quien ser, sólo con quien estar.

Stay there where you are. Wander at thoughts and dream of death. May darkness fall into your eyes, so that you can never enjoy being alive.
Cut your throat, please, I can't stand anymore listening to your silly complaints about nothing at all.
So you think you are a victim? You want so much to be a victim? I'll turn you into my favourite toy if you keep begging for it. I've done it before with others and I have no problems in doing it again. You don't even imagine how much I can make you wake up.
Wake up for once. You're not dead for God's sake... But keep on like this and I'll fucing kill you myself; keep on like this and you'll loose everything you have.

Family Ties

Bringing old, buried pain into awareness so it can be dealt with and resolved... you cannot heal what you're unable or unwilling to feel.

I may be forced to forgive and forget but never to love and care. I know I should but I just don't care about them. I was taught not to need them... I can't be expected to seek them now, at the end of time. Let's just do what we've always done: pretend it's just us and no one else in the world and let's be ok with it. Who needs them anyway? I've got everything and everyone I might need right here in this small town and a few others in the areas surronding it. I know I might at times fall captive to it, but I am trying my best to get out when I have to.

And yes, you may all call me cruel and heartless if it makes you feel better. I don't care.

The Childlike Empress

The Childlike Empress looked out her single window and saw the vastness of her empire as she always did whenever another visitor left her Tower. Through long hours of apparently endless sadness she would stare at the forests and fields which were green and busting with life and joy. Yet, the glass was always so covered in dust that she was unable to make out the colours as they really were; they all seemed paler than they might actually be, almost gray.

This time she decided to cleanse the glass with her hands before looking out. And she did.

She had no words to relate the joy of what she contemplated. Seeing everything as it really was for the first time, neither better nor worse, she felt immensely happy. I could fill pages with beautiful descriptions of the sight she caught but why should I tell you? It is after all her own land.

She felt all the healing energy she had always bestowed upon others suddenly return to her by its own means. The red light filled the entire room, converting the hundreds of guards into tiny golden butterflies which scattered throughout the entire Tower which had long ceased to be completely white and had now become absorbed in a mild golden light, like a peaceful sunset in winter.

She knew her time had now come. She got out of the bed where she had comfortably remained for decades and started to come down the long ladder, step by step. At times, doubt filled her head-- "what if what I saw is not as I thought it was? what if I catch a cold? what if people don't want me out there?". Every time one of these questions appeared, a bunch of golden butterflies would surround her and tickle her to make her heart light and her face smile.

And so she continued descending until she finally reached the grand door. For long she had only seen it from afar and was now remembering every detail of it, its weight and the reason for it being so strong and secure. It frightened her. "What if I am not capable of opening this heavy door?" she thought, but her hand was already placed on the doorknob, for she longed to be on the other side so much that her doubts were no longer as paralyzing as they used to be.

Needless to say, she did open the door and it turned out to be as easy as blinking... and out she went. The grass felt fresh to her ever airy feet as the wind felt comforting to her ever weary arms...



The Ivory Tower collapsed behind her by itself due to it being unneeded and not once did the Childlike Empress lament it. The rubble left on the ground made for, as a lesson learned, the perfect material for the foundations of a new Tower, one not so tall, made of clay and full of large, unglazed windows. It should be noted however that the Empress spent more time on the outside than within the new unnamed Tower, and this pleased her entire empire.

She is out.

But what of the visitors who would seek for her healing light? At first, they would come and feel bewildered at the sight... was this the healer they had heard about? How could she be so self-centered and kind at the same time? How does she dare to deny healing? Aren't healers supposed to be sacrificed figures? Alas, there lies the false statement which had kept her captive for so long! Those who truly cared for her, rejoiced in her bliss and were thus healed. Those who could not see beyond it, left disappointed and even more bruised than before, never to be seen again for they saw her more as an enchantress, a witch who would trick and entice them only to slave them. It is in their fallacy that lies the reason for which the Ivory Tower had been erected in the first place. The Childlike Empress saw happily the end of her frightened days.

The Caregiver

I'ts all about myself right now. I feel a bit guilty for that even though I see no reason why I should. This is my chance to leave everything behind.

The Caregiver was once a child who required love and affection to mirror his intrinsic value and self-worth. Since this was never properly reflected, he has ingeniously invented various methods by which to gain a sense of Self, by over-achieving, publicly performing, rescuing or constantly responding to the needs of others. In essence, he's been programmed to feel worthless, empty and invisible unless he's actively doing, so the simple act of being can invoke guilt and self-loathing.

When a child experiences aloneness, it hurts! He lacks a sense of belonging, or feeling like he actually matters to anyone. These difficult sensations can feel like deadness, which triggers deep despair. Given that children assume it's their fault for feeling this way, they try to be more useful, important and other-oriented, to keep that awful deadness away. This child turns into an observer--always outside himself judging his every move, rather than living inside himself and noticing, trusting and honoring his innate senses.

There's a dire, inescapable need to take care of everyone else in a manner that's completely foreign to their own childhood experiences. They'll never fully relax for fear that they're not performing perfectly, and have let someone/anyone down if they can't! These nagging sensations reinvigorate their disease to please--and perpetuate controlling, codependent behaviors. Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional.

Caregivers are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing, which is a learned response to abuse and/or neglect during childhood. Maybe they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but continue beating-up on themselves for failings or imperfections.


(taken from http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html)

Silly Boy

How perfectly absurd that I should fall ill now that I don't need it. Four days of being alone at home, just as I had intended to, but I fell ill and I really needed someone to take care of me. But oh well, what's the use of crying when I shouldn't care? And being in bed all day, all I can do is think and write. I hate being too honest on my writings for I know who reads... but then again, I've never been afraid of saying anything. I've been feeling lighter these days, as if I had stepped on a higher place and I got new air. I still feel nostalgia at times but when have I not? 

There's so much to learn from every person you meet and every situation you live that sometimes it takes time to really take in every lesson. 

Silly boy, what know you of human love?
You act like a child with your close-mindedness and your tantrums.
To you, caring is frowned upon.
I can clearly see you crossing your arms and just begging to be left alone...
And so you have.
But think you I have been deceived?

Silly boy, when will you learn?
There's no need for cruel lies disguised as caring comments.
After all, you don't care.
To you, caring is too costly.
And you might deny everything just to prove me wrong
But time is the only one who can talk.

Silly boy, this time you came across a not-so-silly girl.
This time you came across a woman who fears nothing
And who values herself so much that she will not buy all your shit
And she will not let you be so empowered as to have an effect in her days.
She knows the face of real love and feels capable of both giving and deserving it.

Silly boy... for that's what you are, just a boy.
I miss you and I think of you.
And this you should know:
You will never get your wings if you are not ready.
And you will never be ready until you've tried enough.
But you cannot really try if you don't want to.

The Spell

The Childlike Empress, shutting herself in her Ivory Tower, feels nothing. Staring into her eyes makes your heart drift into peaceful numbness. Almost apathetic and callous, she evokes a rather colorless vision for the untrained eye.
Should you dare to look closer, you might be able to devise her entire life in one glimpse of sad resignation. She is not there, she has been left there. It is hard to pin point exactly by whom. There has been a true parade of careless and gutless characters who have come and gone from her domains, and each have left a mark- ethereal yet clear for those who wish to see.

"Will you look?"

The grand door at the entrance of the Tower opens before you. You feel astonished by what you see- an endless row of armed guards jealously protecting her. None must touch.
You walk pass them, they notice your presence and they pay attention to your every move yet remain motionless. Stray but a little and you are likely to be beheaded.
Suddenly, you see her: beautiful, radiant, pure and untarnished. She sees you and gives you the same lovingly sad stare with which she greets everyone.
There is a sense of confusion- she is there as a prisoner of her own desires. As a bird trapped inside a cage with an open door and only one good wing left, she remains passive yet safe. No depleting wind may harm her, but she misses the healing summer breeze. She wants to leave but she can't. She can leave but she doesn't wish to. How should she her life define?

"Talk to her... take her right hand and place it carefully upon your forehead. Let her spell enchant you. Let her fairy glamour do its art". You do as you are told for you are too bewildered to even question who this motherly female voice you are hearing belongs to and whether it is only inside your head or coming from somewhere else. As you do this, you begin to experience her mighty power: a warm light stems from your head. You feel a healing heat coming from her hand, going throughout your entire body and eventually resting in your chest. The light is red and radiant but mild and comforting. As she stares into your soul, you can feel an unknown serenity. You feel at peace and safe. All the walls you had built around your heart start crumbling one by one into thousands of pieces as you give in. Tears flow from your weary eyes and every forgotten ache is acknowledged and cast into oblivion once again. You are now so weak and relaxed that you start falling asleep. But before you do, you step back and shout "Don't! This is all I've got left!". She cries. You are once again in the dark. You have been wounded by a tiny golden dagger.

Wake up. Look at the ceiling of your neat white room. Stare into the nothingness. Was it only a dream? You begin to doubt. "Did I just encounter the one soul who could save me? Did I just refuse it? Did she scar me?". You can find no wound or trace of any injury, not visible at least. You are safe for now, in your bed. You and your burden have managed to escape once again. Your cherished madness is untouched.

The Ivory Tower added a new row of guards. The Childlike Empress cried another pearly tear. 

But who is who? And who's to say this is the last time? Who could claim the victory? And who could say things are as they appear to be? In the end, time changes everything... and time resides in her Ivory Tower.

I found...

I found this place once... I fell in love with it instantly... I had to take a picture of it. Why? Because I couldn't possibly take it with me...

I loved it so much, I still do... but it could never be mine. I had to learn to appreciate it from a distance, never touch it, never really having it... yet, I loved it.

It's always like that... you love, you yield, you cry, you are forced to let go... and all for what? for a picture and a memory...

Maybe I am more than what I need to be.
Maybe I am both confusing and confused.
But never doubt of the honesty of my mistakes and my mind.

Shallow overindulgence followed by depletion

And then I looked around and I felt alone... all alone in a dark road, with a shadow behind me and a fucking psychopath before me... and I was happily dancing my way towards him... but I'm not blind anymore.




What you fail to see today
Tomorrow will bring to you
In the shape of a regret
And a questioning tune
About how and why
One full of life and love,
You, out of god only knows what,
Killed with hatred and scorn.

Somebody called me a Paranoid Angel...

I see I've become my greatest obstacle but I've yet to know how to remove myself from the way. My world cannot revolve around one thing... such a small and insignificant thing... and I feel so ashamed of it that I am almost tempted to deny it. But I won't- I must face this if I'm to defeat it and erase it.

Idiotic point of view on life?

Oh no, I'll never change the world...
I'm not that smart but
I have always been kind and true
You might have heard the biggest words
But never have eyes more tender been set on you


Oh no, I'll never be the one they choose...
My face will never be flawless
And I may always be one step behind
I'll have my lazy days
and my depressing nights


Oh no, they'll never return... 
We don't need them
Let's leave them all behind
Let's build us a new heaven
You have your own reasons and I have mine

Am I so blind? Am I an idiot for considering that the most important thing in life is love?

When it comes to philosophy, I have found people who are so interested in the grander picture that they neglect the small changes that they can bring about.

Sure, everybody wants to change the world for the better, but some people seem to think that the only way to do so is through radical and intellectual ways, expressing your thoughts and being constantly up-to-date with politics, economy and other mankind-invented excuses for not listening to themselves.
I consider myself a more spiritual person- I feel the most important change of all must happen first within me, in small yet essential events. And the worst part is that they regard me as (and therefore make me feel like) an idiot for not caring about what they do! I really hate it when they try to bring me down just because I don't know as much as they do about certain subject matters I don't really care about!


Then, there's the completely avoided issue of emotions- these people seem to have hearts of stone. What's the point of fighting with your entire soul for making changes in things like policies when you are not able to love and respect? This to me is the most destructive mistake young people can make- neglecting the importance of love, respect, tolerance and honesty. If everybody was honest, loving, caring and respectful, we wouldn't need these fights, these rebellions that always leave so much distress.


So, in that sense, although at times I may feel a bit ignorant for not being aware of the current situation regarding world issues, at least I can feel proud for saying that I am aware of those around me and what they feel and need. I respect and accept, I am tolerant, polite and considerate. I don't need to form an inflated opinion on a certain political party and express it out loud in a very adorned fashion; that's not who I am; that's who I never wish to be.


If that should be what you are looking for, just pass my way... for I have seen an heard it all- love and hate, happiness and sadness, life and death, loneliness and contempt, richness and poverty... and in every situation, all that matters is love.

Alas, my love...

Esta vez no voy a escribir en inglés para que algunas personas que sé que leen esto también puedan entenderlo.



Después de estar más de 15 años luchando contra esto, y después de un año y medio de haber sufrido la pérdida más grande que he tenido, quiero decir que me siento agotada. Estoy estancada y no sé cómo salir. La peor parte es que no quiero salir.

Por eso, tomo esta decisión. Quiero mantener a la gran mayoría lejos, quiero ver y hablar sólo con aquellos que verdaderamente me importan y se preocupan por mí. Si bien he conocido a mucha gente durante este tiempo, la gran mayoría me molesta y me genera malestar e incomodidad.

Necesito estar sola y recluida hasta que pueda decidir qué voy a hacer de mi vida de ahora en más.

Yo ya no tengo más fuerzas... los que verdaderamente me conocen saben lo que estoy eligiendo.

Y como dijo Layne Staley... one who doesn't care is one who shouldn't be.

Forlorn

Well here's my body- decayed, neglected and subnormal.
Yet, it is yours if you want it.

I feel less and little... worse than others. I've nothing to give and I might take a lot.
Yet, I am yours if you want me.

But how could you? Why would you?

It isn't true, what I've always believed. People don't fall in love with what is not even normal. People don't fall in love with something broken, forsaken and dejected. Why bring into their lives one that might cause even more distress?

Those who have felt darkness and despair creep to their very bones and just make a home out of their hearts know very well what lies in the corners of lonely nights... what secrets might be whispered in moments of no lucidity... and just how much we wish for a loving hand to wipe all of the dirt from our souls.

Reading

I've never been good at reading signs...

The ones that are not, I invent
The ones that are, I see not
The good ones I neglect
And the bad ones I ignore

Yet in spite of all my fears I could spot some indications if I really wanted to...
But what if I'm wrong?

If I choose to read a good sign as such, I might end up proving to be the biggest fool.

However, should I fail to see at least one that is good enough to feed the fire that keeps me going... I might lead myself to certain failure out of pure anxiety.

Lost in Translation

Why does it speak the words of a language unknown to it?

In all perception, nothing but a scared boy trying to get into the light again. Should I dig deeper, I might find something more sinister. Yet, I cannot stop.

The rarest of all indications seem to come from his lips, from his hands, from his eyes... and so rare are they, that any interpretation could be wrong. He says nor silences anything. He neither gives nor takes. He is just the shadow of something he once was. I feel some parts still lingering to that ancient form, but most of it has become so weary, so disillusioned, that no love could be great enough so as to wake him up from his content.

Yet, I cannot stop.

How foolish of me to still believe that love heals everything and everyone... that smiles, kisses and kind words could ever be enough so as to compensate for the wounds left by others.

Twist of a Knife

What are you holding in your hand? A knife? A song to say goodbye?

Perhaps there isn't much to be told... still I deny nothing and confess nothing, nor I ask or reply. Am I the one that is destined to be altogether alone? Shall I decline and pursue? Or should I fail and comprehend?

I don't think there's anyone out there that would be brave enough to face this challenge... now the question is, can I blame them?

My oh my, what a scorn!
The one in the middle
is yet another left torn.


Facing me is nothing but distress
Yet all you do remains a twisted turn of fate.


Am I to wait
or am I to be?
How do I retell
the living memory
that haunts the night
in my lonely bed.
My oh my... 
what a sordid twist of fate...

La Morte

How does one heal? - Willingly moving forward into the future.

Even if that future seems terrifying and uncertain, it is still better than the past. For in the past, pain is certain, yet in the future, there is always room for a bit of light to appear.



You think you've got what it takes? I believe you do...



And as for this risk I decided to avoid... how do you tell the difference between the wise decision and the coward decision? It's not that simple... you don't want to run away, yet you don't want to throw yourself in a situation which you will eventually (probably) regret.

If only I had been asked to linger, to have faith... but I guess I am not the only one making choices out of pure fear.



May a rest concealed in loving care
find its way to a grander you.
May all the nights that are to be in this world
find you in consolation of a brand new tune.


My voice carried the melody
of an unchanted song
and this is nothing but a lie
for it was never asked to be told.


Give way to the light
If you believe I can be more
then, of the rose this life is bringing,
you might be able to avoid the thorns.



Death to the past...

"Death" by Brian Froud

My Best Wishes

Come into my mind in a charcoal silence.
Perhaps the time you chose was already mine.
Yet hers are the hours of your best feelings
And yours are the aches of her greatest lie.

Rest your head on my chest again.
Did the inner thoughts combine your words?
For mine is the heart that hisses blatantly
Yet yours is the love that speaks nothing at all.

Break the chains with my fingers.
I would have witstanded for so long...
And so mine could have been the second chance
But yours is the riddle of an unwanted love.

I won't be told anymore...

... that I've been brought down in this storm ...

This I Love

What is this fear you feel? How can I help you with it? I just thought that maybe we could reach that shore together...

Why do you do this to yourself? Why do you keep yourself confined in the trap she set for you? Can you not see the open door in the cage she left you in? The chain you always keep yourself tied with is nothing but a thin thread of fear. It just takes a little bit of courage to break it and then you are free.

But what can I do when I am showing all of this to you and you refuse to see it? Were I younger, I would remain by your side, pointing at the silly thread you desperately cling onto out of fear. But the truth is, my dear, I am even more tired and broken than what you think. So I cannot wait. I cannot bare any longer.

It is a bit silly of me to run away from someone with fear, out of fear... but that's the wisest thing I can do for myself right now.

How Strange

I keep feeling that this time it might actually work out.

Yet I left you...

I am not afraid of what I feel, I am afraid of what you might not feel.

That's why...





I need to look at this from a logical point of view: it just can't be, on either of the sides.

Attachment to Delusion

Why recalling absurd feelings? It’s always been a lie.
Maybe a time for reason would avert this crime.
Am I hanging from the weakest thread?
Do I long for a night with you in vain?
Might as well leave it all… what difference does it make?

I feel you now… as thin as the air you inhabit.
Is your presence fading into oblivion in the form of a new song?

It’s not mere chance.
It’s something else.
Why then confine myself into a shelter
If no threat outside can be found?
Is the peril real?
It would be careless of me…

I can’t be myself around you.
The real me… no one could love.
How can it be that you see this?

What power of sight do you posses which allows you to see the mask that I so try to pass as my face?
Could that be the reason you are not with me?
I’ve worn the mask for so long that it’s become unbearable to live without it.
I’ve forgotten my real face…
But please forgive all of my deceit. I do it merely because I feel that the real me, whoever she may be,
might never be enough. I never meant no harm…

Now comes the hard part of trying to remember who I really am… and it’s all because of you.

When I do, will you finally love me?

Oh my...

Well, here I am finally... been on this road for over a year now; it's been hard, but now I may be finding some rest at last... the problem is... would I dare to take it? And if I do, will I be correct?


All of the guilt I feel is empowered by all of the fear I have... I am afraid of letting go, of trusting, of being myself, of letting everybody know that I, in spite of everything and everyone, might be feeling again...

And to all these, I can do nothing but take a deep breath and say: "shit".

Words to the One

The wrath that I lay
On the ones that I love
So easily gone
So hard to trust

I find not a word
To give to the night
It's only sometimes
That I get to the core

Making a step to reach for the door
And then escaping out into the night
My wings so denied, your fate so confined
Into a neverending song

How is it that you
With all the vastness of life
Were so frail, so confined
To a secret so obscure?

And I never saw it comming...

Might never believe
All the promises made
All the memories shared
In the distance therein

New Cover

For you...

Llamado

Quisiera encontrar una forma de hacerte llegar lo mucho que te necesito y de que me respondieras... quisiera encontrar la forma de sentir tu abrazo reconfortante y tu mirada serena una vez más.

Y te llamo, y te llamo... y no venís... y ya nunca vas a venir... y ni siquiera puedo ir yo a donde vos estás, porque no se dónde estás y porque no puedo.

Pero cuánto te necesito... si supieras... y quiero pensar que no sabés, o que sabés pero no podés venir... porque el que yo conocí, no me habría dejado sola...


Por eso, sigo llamando y llamando, hasta que logres escucharme, y tal vez alguna noche que puedas, bajes desde tu luna llena y me des ese beso y esas palabras que tanto bien me hacen y que tanto necesito.

Te extraño...

Growing Distant in a Field of Uncertainty

Sometimes I think I've got it all figured out... others, it seems as if I was back at the beginning...




'I want my life back'- that's all I can say.

How I'd like to start over... I need to fool myself with small situations so my eyes don't see the graveness of it all... the pointless living, the useless efforts, the void, the sorrow and the lack of constant inner peace.

Isolation

The Greatest Lie

La mentira más grande... la mía.

Están todos tan contentos de pensar que todo va bien... qué gran comedia la mía!


Si supieran... si comprendieran que no hay vuelta atrás. Estoy en el camino más lento y más despejado, pero es un camino certero de todas formas, que dejará ninguna culpa.

Keep sending those words... when the job is done, I might be able to retire...

Damn...

Oh, no... please, don't look my way... there's nothing here, only pain and death... the gray and distant memory of everything that could have been but never was!

Just go away... I don't want this, I don't want you by my side... can't you see?

This is why I hate people... they always seem so eager to meet their doom.

Love?

What is that?

No, thanks... I'm fine just as I am.


I'm so fed up with people... I just wanna stay at home; I just wanna find the door that leads me to you...

The Right Train

I took the wrong train again
I ended up alone and broken
I can't believe I felt again
This is not what was meant for me
When will I realise
That a normal love has never been
in store for me?

It's not like I need to find again
A perfect partner to be content
I feel alright alone as I am
I need not be what you think I am

Looking at the sky
From my distant point of view
I cannot tell the differentce between
A single cloud and a coming storm

I am insane for the eye that sees
I cannot change what is meant to be
I can only sit, cross my arms and wait
Until I finally take the right train

Me di cuenta...

... de que se terminó todo.





Físicamente me siento horrible, lo peor que he estado... no me importa mucho, estoy más que entregada.


Ya acepté mi destino, ya me hice a la idea de cómo van a ser las cosas de ahora en más.


Igual, por lo que falta...


Está todo bien.

This is my space

Este es mi espacio... acá vuelco lo que realmente siento... y siento... desesperación. En un minuto siento todos los estados de ánimo posibles, y eso me desespera.

Quiero vivir pero no quiero vivir... quiero volver a amar pero no quiero volver a amar... quiero estar sola pero no quiero estar sola.


El tiempo pasa tan lento...

Resolution

In dark times of oblivion gone
I feel that nothing else could matter anymore
I browse through pages long dead
searching for a glimpse of hope that would help me progress
And I have finally found it
The sun has come up
I have found my reason to linger
My voice shall carry all my loving thoughts
up into higher vibrations
they will be the kisses I have not been able to give you this time
You shall be proud of me
No longer will I break
I will live and enjoy

Yet, I shall always carry my sadness and my nostalgia on my back
But instead of them bringing me down
They shall lift me up and encourage me to go on
To pursue to my dreams
For me, for you, for us...

I could have...

I could have given you
all of my earthly love

I could have loved you
Till the end of my time

I could have been yours
Till I was taken again

I could have been borrowed for a while...
but who would take so addictive a thing
for so short a time?
For I was born to live yearning for a love that
once found, would leave me yearning for death for half a lifetime...

Another Scar

Time goes by
Another scar to add
Is it fair?
Guess not

Congratulations, my dear
You won the game
Although I never knew the name and the rules
I've always been a good loser

I only wish you had pity on me
and everything I've been through
You could have had some consideration
But you never dared to

And all this teaches me
That there's no point
in denying fate

I am bound to be alone
I've already known all the love
I was ever meant to know

And this is the end of the story

A gloomy Sunday fits everyday



...And I still wish for time to go faster.

This is me

I may not be the prettiest or the cleverest.... but I've gone through heaven and hell and I can still get up, make you laugh and walk away...

Who will love me for who I really am... who will see beyond the veil? I was hoping you would...

Opheliac

I'm your Opheliac
My stockings prove my virtues
I'm open to attack
But I don't want to hurt you

Whether I swim or sink
That's no concern of yours now
How could you possibly think

You had the power to know how
To keep me breathing
As the water rises up again
Before I slip away

You know the games I play
And the words I say
When I want my own way
You know the lies I tell
When you've gone through hell
And I say I can't stay

You know how hard it can be
To keep believing in me
When everything and everyone
Becomes my enemy and when
There's nothing more you can do
I'm gonna blame it on you
It's not the way I want to be
I only hope that in the end you will see

It's the Opheliac in me



Opheliac by Emilie Autumn

Misery Loves Company

It's not the time
It's not the place

I'm just another pretty face

So don't come any closer

You're not the first
You're not the last
How many more?
Don't even ask

You're one more dead composer

Do I need you?
Yes and no
Do I want you?
Maybe so

You're getting warm
Tou're getting warm
You're getting warmer oh
Did you plan this all along
Did you care if it was wrong
Who's getting warmer now
That I'm gone

Misery loves company
And company loves more
More loves everybody else
But hell is others

I'm not for you
You're not for me

I'll kill you first
You wait and see

You devil undercover

You're not a prince
You're not a friend
You're just a child
And in the end
You're one more selfish lover

Do I need you?
Yes and no
Do I want you?
Maybe so
You're getting warm
You're getting warm
You're getting warmer oh
Did you plan this all along
Did you care if it was wrong
Who's getting warmer now
That I'm gone

Misery loves company
And company loves more
More loves everybody else
But hell is others

You're so easy to read
But the book is boring me

You're so easy to read
But the book is boring me
You're so easy to read
But the book is boring
Boring boring boring boring
Boring boring me

Pray for me
If you want to
Pray for me
If you care
Pray for me
If you want to
Pray for me
If you dare
Pray for me
If you want to
Pray for me
If you care
Pray for me

If you want to
Pray for me you fucker
If you fucking dare

Misery loves company
And company loves more
More loves everybody else
But hell is others

Shalott

She's locked up with a spinning wheel
She can't recall what it was like to feel
She says, "This room's gonna be my grave
And there's no one who can save me,"
She sits down to her colored thread
She knows lovers waking up in their beds
She says, "How long can I live this way
Is there someone I can pay to let me go
'Cause I'm half sick of shadows
I want to see the sky
Everyone else can watch as the sun goes down
So why can't I

And it's raining
And the stars are falling from the sky
And the wind
And the wind I know it's cold
I've been waiting
For the day I will surely die
And it's here
And it's here for I've been told
That I'll die before I'm old
And the wind I know it's cold..."

She looks up to the mirrored glass
She sees a horse and rider pass
She says, "This man's gonna be my death
'Cause he's all I ever wanted in my life
And I know he doesn't know my name
And that all the girls are all the same to him
But still I've got to get out of this place
'Cause I don't think I can face another night
Where I'm half sick of shadows
And I can't see the sky
Everyone else can watch as the tide comes in
So why can't I

But there's willow trees
And little breezes, waves, and walls, and flowers
And there's moonlight every single night
As I'm locked in these towers
So I'll meet my death
But with my last breath I'll sing to him I love
And he'll see my face in another place,"
And with that the glass above

Her cracked into a million bits
And she cried out, "So the story fits
But then I could have guessed it all along
'Cause now some drama queen is gonna write a song for me,"
She went down to her little boat
And she broke the chains and began to float away
And as the blood froze in her veins she said,
"Well then that explains a thing or two
'Cause I know I'm the cursed one
I know I'm meant to die
Everyone else can watch as their dreams untie
So why can't I

Fading to Black

Responsibility towards others still lingers
Yet at times I cannot bear the weight
The true sense of earthly happiness
I have completely changed

The standard needed to be one step lower
In order for it to be easier to be described...

This way... tonight... I drift away...

For a moment of bliss
I pretend nothing exists
I let my selfishness out
And fade to black

When the morning comes
I'll wear the shield again

Process

I'm rotting inside and nobody knows this... slow and invisible yet certain suicide.

Guilt-free and unseen killing of the self... how could they prevent it? how could they notice it? it cannot be changed.

Am I asleep or not, 
I don't know, 
My body is rotting and I feel pain, 
Gimmie to heaven or gimme hell but don't leave me dead inside this thing, 
My body won't let me go 
My body won't let me go 

LET ME GO...

Third-Dimension Night

At least for one night I'd like to have someone who would make me forget everything about the world.




I guess I am going through one of those nights when I'm all body and no spirit... when more than ever I need to feel with my senses what it's like to live a perfect moment... once again.

To Ashes

Nothing could distress me more
Than talking to invisible ears
At times the truth gets so cold
Pain and agony I just can't resist

Faking smiles of brilliant colours
No one would say if asked to admit
That the sould he once left so weary inside
Could one of this days commit...

A crime... against... none but... itself

Looking at pictures
Losing control
Regaining the dark
I once traded for love
Now all that is here is
Nothing but ashes...

Singing to ashes...
Singing to ashes...

Incomplete

What a hard lesson
What a cold day

Every action is twice as hard
Ever since I became incomplete

Both, remembering and forgetting hurt me

And I keep letting time pass by; I keep letting my body and my spirit be drifted away into the ocean... and that ocean contains nothing but void and oblivion.

Yet, it's those dark and turbulent waters the ones that shall carry me back to his side.

Someday... hopefully, very soon.

Fate

What is left to a person's life when all hope is seemingly lost? I have no desire of being attached to this third dimension anymore. I want to ascend; I have good reasons to do so. Have I not learned enough? Have I not suffered enough? What more could there be? What other lessons must I take? What other missions must I fulfill?

I don't know anymore... my strength is beginning to fade... I don't know how long I will be able to withstand the pain, the solitude, the coldness, the despair... the temptation.

For it is temptation the one weakness that the one could never endure when the shift occurs. You see, questioning fate is a useless thing to do; but to defy it... now that's another story... to defy fate is something foolish.

But what if I am meant to do so? What if I am meant to defy fate and go against all I believe to be correct? If indeed that is my fate, then all these months of struggling will have been useless...



Lately, I have been experiencing all sorts of strange physical pains and I have also been dreaming a lot about tornadoes, storms, earthqueakes... could the end be near? And if so, whose end will it be? mine or the world's? Either way, I will be full.

Lacrimosa

Nostalgia, sadness, stillness and solitude can all be very good companions to a weary soul.
Music can fill corners and aid in expressing one's true emotions. 
Will I be cursed for not having the will to endure bliss around me this day?



I fear I have become too fixed on any moment and place that is not here and now. I cannot see my current state of being... I just drift into destination. Time has become irrelevant. Company has become essential. The truth I so long for must lie somewhere else, for I have been sailing for months in this ocean of contempt and I have seen no shore. Settling now and forgetting for good... is that all I seek?


Is this all there is left?

Some Words pt. II

Thinking hard is making me tired
I cannot keep on trying
I've failed everytime
I just never seem to get it right

The last one never comes
The better ones are growing old
I search and try and crawl and cry
And all I get is a broken heart

I guess it is true... some pains just go too deep...

"How can I go on when all I wanna do is go back?"

Every effort is meaningless
Every smile is overshadowed
I can't make it through
I'm just not strong enough



There was a time in which my silly world would crumble with anything... I used to feel like nothing was ever going to change... then you came and proved me wrong... but just as you came, you left... you had to, I guess... there's nothing I can do about it, anyway.



But how I wish I could go back and live one day over and over again... for ever... the senseless dream would become meaningful and the truth would become an illusion... and still, everything would be more perfect than ever was.

Pass me by

A disaster inside
Warning of a coming storm
Can't help falling again
In my own traps

Wandering through days
Endless fears
I felt a touch
It was you again

This reminds of the day
When your soul went away
I can't keep track on you now
I have to learn to let them
Pass me by

If only I could find out
How to grow and search for your light
If only I could succeed
In becoming everything
You want me to be

Searching for my end...
Destroying myself on the way...

Reminder

Random thoughts come to my mind
Anytime, anywhere
Memories of a time in which everything was perfect
And as I had always wanted.

I know it is not wise to question fate, one would expect them to know better, and that in the end you see the grander picture and you get it... but in the mean time, everything feels so empty, pointless and difficult without him.

I had a beautiful life next to him... now void feels every corner and I just don't know what to do with it. I don't know what to do with this time that has been given to me...

This is not a good day... it has not been a good night... it will never be good again ('it' being whatever you want) until I find someone who fills this void again...

Or perhaps I should learn to fill it by myself... after all, everything leads me to being alone. Whenever I find someone, that someone slips away from me for unforseen reasons and situations that are out of my control.

Well, if I am to be alone, so be it... but at least, pay me a visit once in a while... never stop sending those subtle signs which remind me that you are waiting for me... that you've left my side only for my own good and for a short while (short compared to an eternity together).

I can do it all. I can make it through everything... but I will never make it on my own unless I am always reminded that you are waiting on the other side of the door.

Strength

I need to break free
from my physical constraint
my mind speaks a language
I'm starting to understand

I sense doubt coming
and darkness all around
I fear I might not make it
But I must, oh I must...

I am strong enough...

I will trascend
into the light
I will raise my spirit
to get where you are

Despair

I want to know, I want to understand...
What am I supposed to do now?

I have so many dreams and so weak a will...

Please guide me, lift me up, give me strength... can't you see it's actually me who died?

And I am still tied by my fears...
I want to break free from my restraints,
I want to see how far I can get.

Oblivion

What does death mean?
What is distance after all?
If nothing dies,
how then do I hold?

I should sacrifice the entire soul of my humanity to know the secret that lies beneath...

I could run the greatest risk and then become
one soul, one heart, one truth...

Is desire empty? Should we all just give up?

Why does void corrupt us when we are trying to get out into the light?

If I knew how to run, I would set my feet in motion
But I can't, I'm trapped
I've become one with oblivion

Is it true? Are you gone?
Should I leave this world forever?
Wishes now all revolve
around seeing your face once more

And I'm back into the dark
to face nothingness and time
Oh I'm back
and I'm one
with the despair and horrors which were left behind

Angel

Can't you see I'm the angel of mercy and love
That's the reason why he left me int his world
To make sure that the ones he loved are safe
and can find easily their way home

Selfless form of love
Tears cried without posession
I'll be in every corner where you leave me
And I'll never leave until you depart

It has always been my mission
in a place so cold and dark
to create in your face a smile
and to see the end of lonesome nights

And it's just that making you happy
is what makes me go on and love another day...

Use me to Die

I don't care about myself anymore
This empty body feels no love
I will use them hard and cold
Until time speeds up the clock

I wish I had never come to this
But fate decided to take you away
And since you took my soul with you
I no longer feel, don't even dare

I don't know if I'll make it through
I was alive only with you
The darkness inside
is craving for
a victim to dance the night away
I'll take the blame for me
I'll let it rott and die inside of me
Come tonight,
you stranger one
and use me to die

What are feelings after all?
Needing someone more than your own soul
I entered darkness all alone
I'm so numb, I don't feel any cold

In a countdown beat I live each day
Passing time as busy as I can
It's unknown to me how long it will take
for me to spread my wings and meet my end

I don't know if I'll make it through
I was alive only with you
The darkness inside
is craving for
a victim to dance the night away
I'll take the blame for me
I'll let it rott and die inside of me
Come tonight,
you stranger one
and use me to die

Some words pt. I

Since fate took what I needed the most I find no reason to keep on being strong other than the fact that everyone expects me to. They have taken from me what I loved the most, so now I find it imposible to consider anything as lovable. It doesn't make sense at all... it will never make sense, it will never have an answer.

It takes so much effort for me to even consider that all of that was for the better... the mere thought fills my heart with anger... I understand that everyone finds consolation where they can, but I find none at all, anywhere... so I just have to pretend he never even existed... and that adds even more sadness to my moments of awareness, which are many and intolerable.

I could fall... I am so near my end. I always knew I would die young... now not only do I know it, but I'm sure of it and I am waiting for my time to come. I won't speed things up, I'll wait naturally for my end... and that's when I'll be full again. Once I lose my life and go wherever he is, I will regain what was so injustly taken from me.

I'm waiting for that moment in which we finally reunite... I don't know how long it will take, and since time seems to crawl when I'm alone, I'll have to find company anywhere... anything that makes time go faster is good enough for me. Anyone who wishes to use me is welcomed. I will use them in return; they will fill my time with their senseless being.

Easy Way Out

Could I scape from the nothingness
if I left this world?
Could I stop chasing senseless dreams
if I could find the way to move on?

Insanity makes no sense at all
in a place so dark and cruel
it means that somewhere there was once light
and now I can finally see the truth

I crave for the moment and place
in which time stands still
and lets me rest in peace
to find that you are there

I scape loneliness whenever I can
it is so easy to find a new face
counting rainbows in a dark sky
that fills my dreams and my heart

Perhaps fate could answer my call
and let me now depart before the fall
I reach for love and find in return
that all I ever had was left to burn