The Caregiver

I'ts all about myself right now. I feel a bit guilty for that even though I see no reason why I should. This is my chance to leave everything behind.

The Caregiver was once a child who required love and affection to mirror his intrinsic value and self-worth. Since this was never properly reflected, he has ingeniously invented various methods by which to gain a sense of Self, by over-achieving, publicly performing, rescuing or constantly responding to the needs of others. In essence, he's been programmed to feel worthless, empty and invisible unless he's actively doing, so the simple act of being can invoke guilt and self-loathing.

When a child experiences aloneness, it hurts! He lacks a sense of belonging, or feeling like he actually matters to anyone. These difficult sensations can feel like deadness, which triggers deep despair. Given that children assume it's their fault for feeling this way, they try to be more useful, important and other-oriented, to keep that awful deadness away. This child turns into an observer--always outside himself judging his every move, rather than living inside himself and noticing, trusting and honoring his innate senses.

There's a dire, inescapable need to take care of everyone else in a manner that's completely foreign to their own childhood experiences. They'll never fully relax for fear that they're not performing perfectly, and have let someone/anyone down if they can't! These nagging sensations reinvigorate their disease to please--and perpetuate controlling, codependent behaviors. Selflessness is just a lofty word for codependency, and it's dysfunctional.

Caregivers are way too tough on themselves due to self-loathing, which is a learned response to abuse and/or neglect during childhood. Maybe they left home to flee shaming criticisms--but continue beating-up on themselves for failings or imperfections.


(taken from http://gettinbetter.com/needlove.html)