Ironic

Among the many things I've been mistaken in, there's a whole lot that I've never wanted to admit... but reality is far too evident to be ignored, and one error which has lately been smashing against my face too often is the one that exhibits my ignorance regarding relationships. So much, that I feel I should have already retired from the idea a long time ago.

It is true. The less you love, the more you'll be loved. Who would have figured? Apparently, the answer to being that one person that changes everything... that one person you would dream and think about... is to be almost unreachable and elusive. To be consistent in certain small details that seem to be so relevant and then, to just be a plain bitch.

Think not about giving, caring, loving, amusing, sharing, understanding or just being there... the key lies in awakening the worst memories and making them relive the worst abandonment scenarios so they could feel home, for that must be all they've ever known. Bother not in wasting smiles, glances, kisses and comfort, it's all worthless. You'll never get to matter that much for you've given your soul on a plate to someone who was after the chase instead of the prize, and therefore, it's not valuable. You are not valuable. You give them nothing to weep about, so you are consequently unlovable.

Mind you, not everything you say and do will remain unnoticed. The ones that are selfish enough will see the opportunity and take it. Could I blame them? I've done the same thing for years... and so, like a karmic circle of unwanted yet generously offered attention, we move about this strange and narcissistic game, in which rules are clear only for those who risk nothing on it yet win from all sides. Still, should you win, you'd become nothing but a lord of the flies, for the prize obtained will soon not suffice. Getting caught in this "caucus race" when searching for real love is pointless.

I'm now close to abandoning this roulette. When I first took place in it, I didn't have much to bet yet I dared to, for I knew no other way (and the game of love is only one). In time, with almost no victory in my hands but one that was taken from me, I ran out of tokens, so I had to leave, broke and disillusioned.

And I became a silly, whining little girl who never got it right. I never knew I was wanting to buy something in the wrong market.



You've managed to turn me into someone I never thought I'd be. I dared to look upon the face of danger and fear whilst taking a final shot in being what I was supposed to be. I tried to do things they correct way, ignoring desire, for once, for you, but you care not, and that's what hurts the most. It's nothing but a crying shame that so much eventually represents so little...

I see now the rules and they make me feel like giving up. This isn't what I want to be involved in. Should this be what love is all about, I prefer to remain not in love.

So I've set a date, a deadline by which I must make a resolution. It's close now, and nothing seems to have changed much. Only foul words that wind took as fast as they came. And being so close to that date by which I know everything is going to become one more failure for the list, my strength fades sooner and I stumble even more.

I don't wanna play anymore...